Cocktails and Cognac

Yesterday I came across the clip below and was introduced to Dear Daddy. It is a documentary by Janks Morton that looks at the lasting negative effects of fatherlessness in the black and latino inner-city community. The clip below brought me to tears and highlighted the importance of children being connected to both parents. Women can no longer attempt to (or be expected to) raise their children without fathers. The epidemic of fatherlessness in communities of color is a problem that both men and women have created. More women need to be careful about who they share their bodies with and more men need to stand by their responsibilities. Overall, we just need to do better. Let this be the catalyst.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Dear Bartender,

My wife and I dated for a year before we got married. One of the things I admired about her was that she was keeping herself until marriage. Because I loved her and respected her convictions, I waited. So I was surprised to find that she was not willing to consummate our union on our wedding night. I stayed in this relationship for a year and once I realized that she just wasn’t comfortable with having sex, I suggested a divorce. My question is, is a marriage actually a marriage if you never consummate?

Dear Mr. Lova Lova, (in my Shaggy/Mr. Bombastik voice)

I would imagine that there are marriages that go a while without being consummated for several reasons (health, distance, etc.) so in my opinion, it was definitely a marriage whether you consummated it or not. With that said, unfortunately, these are the types of circumstances that give “waiting until marriage” a bad name. If your ex-wife was truly waiting because of her spiritual convictions, then she would know that it is not biblical to deny your husband unless you are taking time to pray and become closer to God. So, she definitely did not fulfill her responsibilities as a wife and that is truly unfortunate.

While I haven’t heard this type of circumstance often, I think it happens because many spiritual women think sex is taboo. Their mothers don’t discuss it and liken it to something evil when it is actually a beautiful expression of love that every wife should share with her husband. I hope that you and your ex-wife sought counseling before you ended your marriage (as marriage should not be entered into nor abandoned with ease). I am sure counseling would have exposed abuse or some type of mental/spiritual block she had around sexual intimacy. Either way, it’s done now. I truly hope you find a woman that is ready to rock your world once she has her ring and the papers are signed.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Yesterday I came across this trailer for the Bill Duke and D. Channsin Berry documentary, Black Girls. The movie outlines the color bias towards dark-skinned black women and suggests that it leaves many of them entangled in a rope of low self-esteem which perpetuates self-hate. As a dark-skinned black woman myself, I can particularly relate to the women who suggest they weren’t looked at seriously on the dating scene because of their skin color.

Unfortunately, more black men than we would like to admit (fast forward to the 4:37 mark) share the perspective that “light is right.” Too many dark-skinned black men (Ochocinco, Terrel Owens, Wesley Snipes, etc.) long to have a light/white woman like a bald man desires a rogaine treatment. While many understand that this perspective comes from slavery (the division of the house and field slave), most people don’t want to dig deeper and recognize that their “preferences” to light/white skin perpetuate division and encourages other self hate tools that have become norms like perms (fast forward to the 7:00 mark). :-/

Listen, God made black men and women of various skin tones; WHITE PEOPLE MADE NIGGERS. So it’s about time we end this nigger mentality which suggests that everything that is close to white is beautiful. WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL IN OUR OWN WAY so let’s embrace ourselves for who we are and what we look like and stand upright with all of God’s other human creations.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Dear Bartender,
I recently moved to town and don’t know a lot of people in my area. I have a friend here from college and I’ve become very close to him and his wife (as a couple)? A friend of mine from back home suggested that I go on a dating site as a way to meet women in the area. I put up a profile and to my disbelief I found my friend’s wife on the site. After checking her page I noticed that she had been active within the last 24 hours (they have been married for 6 months). The way the site is setup, she can tell that I went on her page so she knows that I know. Should I say something to my friend about his wife?

Dear Keeping a Secret,

I don’t come from the “mind your business” school of thought. Too many people are walking around here with STDs because their “friends” minded their business. With that said, I am a firm believer that you should only let a married friend know about their spouse’s inappropriate behavior if you have proof because people need something to stand  by when approaching their spouse and deciding if this is worth turning their life upside down.

In your situation it seems like you do have proof so I would print out her profile (just in case he asked for it and she took it down) go to him in a non-accusatory way and say something like, “Man, I’m not assuming that your wife is doing anything but I found it odd to see that she had a profile on a dating site.” That is all that needs to be said – nothing more, nothing less. Don’t ask him what he’s going to do about it, if he handled it or even if they talked about it. Those details are none of your business. Just tell him what you know and keep it moving.

Now, while you might be moved to keep silent, remember that your silence binds you to the situation because it’s not like if he finds out you can act like you don’t know. She knows that you checked her page so if she ever says that you knew your friendship with her husband might be OVER. It’s definitely a conundrum but the best way to get through it is to say what you know in a non-accusatory way and keep it moving.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Dear Bartender,
I am with a man who says he loves me but is still legally married to someone else and has a baby on the way with her? He is separated from his wife and lives with me. He says he doesn’t want to go back. Should I believe him? How should I deal with this?

Dear Sleeping with the Enemy,

First off, I am sorry that you felt moved to get yourself caught up with a married man (separated is STILL married). Your dilemma is a prime example of why women should make sure men sign divorce papers and truly cut ties before beginning a relationship. You’re better than this circumstance and you deserve more. Remember that.

Now, for the advice: Girl, the first thing you need to understand is that you are currently in the number 2 position and women who accept the number 2 spot rarely ever become number 1. The fact that this man can feed you bull$h!t that smells as foul as, “she’s having my baby but I don’t really want to be there” and you STILL remain with him is telling. It shows that he doesn’t think you deserve better and honestly, your actions have told him that you don’t deserve anything more than what you’re getting. You staying with this man tells him that you are desperate, lonely and not wife material.

This man ISN’T GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE. Yes. I have that in all caps because I’m yelling at you. You really have to get this through your head. If he didn’t want to be with her why have sex with her and create a baby when he’s with you? Think about it. The last thing a man wants is to create a child and have to split his money with a woman he doesn’t want to be with. It honestly sounds like you have a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too…and you are letting him lick the icing directly off your plate! SMH. Listen, that baby will forever tie the two of them together and given that they are married, you become the odd one out. Despite his separation and any good and pure intentions you may have had, you’re his mistress – plain and simple.

Should you believe that he will leave? NO, because believing those lies would make you certifiably crazy. How should you deal with it? That, my dear, is up to you but if it were my house I would take a day off work, have the locks changed, put his belongings on the other side of his door, call his wife, apologize and tell her he’s coming home.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender