Cocktails and Cognac

Players Gonna Play

cocktailsandcognac — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 09:02:03 +0000

Recently I was talking to a family member about her love interest. She described a guy in his late forties (her age as well) who expressed an interest in her but shared that he wasn’t the settling kind. It was highly noticeable that she was smitten with him but she asserted, “I’m all set with him. He doesn’t want a relationship and I’m not one of those stupid girls he can play.”

Our exchange got me thinking, “Do some women really think only stupid girls get played?”

Being played doesn’t happen because a woman is stupid. Being played happens when a woman exposes herself emotionally to a man who doesn’t have good intentions. It can happen to anyone and unfortunately it often happens when women can’t recognize their emotional brokenness and fragility.

The most amateur players can identify a woman who is broken and once the cause of that brokenness is exposed (i.e. loneliness, low self-esteem, insecurities regarding appearance, divorce, etc.) that is when the game begins. The goal is for that man to be your object of affection; for you to keep him on your mind. Men do this by showing an interest in you and expressing affection (even on the most mediocre levels). For example, if a man knows you’re lonely he might text you every night at the same time just to say, “Have a good night.” This kind gesture costs nothing. It’s a sweet sentiment that says, “I’m thinking about you” but it also doesn’t reek of commitment. Even if a man told you he didn’t want a relationship but consistently expressed this sort of kind gesture your thought might be, “He likes me and thinks of me often.” A thoughtful action that simple can spark the beginning of being wooed by a player who you already know doesn’t want you.

So, if you want to protect yourself from players, work on bringing yourself to a holistic place where you move past your insecurities and find joy in your single status. Try your best to transition to a place where you are not broken because, if exposed, all women can get played.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Make A Decision About Your Relationship And Move On

cocktailsandcognac — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:00:30 +0000

A couple of weeks ago I ran into someone on the train who I hadn’t seen in a while. She shared that she’d just transitioned back to the city after a four-year stint in a different state when the guy she thought she was going to marry failed to solidify their union with a ring. In our discussion it was clear to me that she knew what she wanted and when she believed she wouldn’t receive it, it made sense for her to move on with her life.

My conversation with her had me wondering about all the people who refuse to make a decision about their dead-end relationships. They stay bound to someone who doesn’t make them happy because being alone exposes what they perceive as bad decision-making and overall failure.

I’m sure we all know someone who could fit into this category and the sad thing is, this decision causes self-inflicted pain and confusion. I’m a believer that if a person is honest with themselves and decisive about their relationship choices they can be protected from a ton of future emotional hurt. Many of us keep our hearts and minds exposed to people who simply don’t deserve us because we are ashamed of saying those three words – “IT DIDN’T WORK.” We act as if those three words mean our life is over when they can actually usher you into happiness if you embrace the truth that defines those words for your life.

If it ain’t working, make a decision to FIX IT.

The woman I saw on the train embraced her truth. Her relationship didn’t work out so she decided to accept it and begin the healing process. While I don’t know what the future will bring for her, I’m sure that she will be much happier walking into it.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

Is My Liquored Lover Cheating? (Open Bar Letter)

cocktailsandcognac — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 02:41:28 +0000

Dear Bartender,

If a man leaves the house around a certain time every evening and comes home intoxicated should I suspect that he is cheating on me?

Dear Fearing Infidelity,

I would not assume that my mate was cheating just because he leaves every evening and comes home intoxicated. In my opinion, this is just the behavior of an irresponsible lush who can’t hold their liquor. However, the fact that you would question his fidelity suggests that this question is possibly missing some intricate details. With that said, if you’re finding that you and your beau are spending more time apart and your relationship seems broken, there might be a cause for concern. However, based on the behavior you mentioned, instead of assuming that he’s cheating, why don’t you have an open conversation with him about his outings and try to better understand the root of the problem. Does he find his home life stressful? Does he feel like there is a problem between the two of you that he is trying to escape? Is he overwhelmed with work? You need to ask direct questions that will lead to an open discourse regarding his actions.

While conversing, share that you would like to spend more time together and reconnect as you both wind down from each busy day. Inform him that you understand and respect his need to have his own time but would like him to keep his late night outings to a minimum so that your relationship doesn’t get lost in the monotony of life. Remember it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. So, while you’re talking try to communicate how important he is to you and share that you believe his behavior (coming home intoxicated most nights) can negatively affect his health and well-being and that gives you reason for pause.

In the end, instead of jumping to conclusions, the best thing to do is talk about the issue directly with an open and loving heart. Hopefully that will give you the answers you need.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

If They’re Not Desperate, It Ain’t Love

cocktailsandcognac — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:25:02 +0000

“Why can’t he just say, ‘I can’t live without you?’”

So many of my friends have asked me this question after sharing a story of an awkward run-in with their ex-boyfriend who they have tried to build something with to no avail. Sometimes no matter how good a person is on paper and how perfect we think our future can be with our current partner or recent ex, it can’t work. Why? Because desperation is out of the equation.

Real love is desperate. It’s serious. It’s excessive. It has an urgent need and desire to love. When one is faced with losing the person they truly care for, the desire for love alone will make them ill. Love is not “I care a lot for you but I’m not ready.” It is “Let’s do this and figure it out together.”

So many of us waste valuable time staying in relationships with people who don’t recognize our value and truly love us. Don’t be fooled. If the person you are/were in a relationship with can’t say, “I can’t live without you” it is because they CAN live without you…and be totally fine.

Love is a lot of things but what it is not is forced and unsure.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender

The Real Meaning of Life and the Role Relationships Play

cocktailsandcognac — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:27:10 +0000

I found this on facebook and had to share it. Since I’ve been so disconnected from the blog for the last couple of months (life’s happening), I thought, “why not share it with you all.” Enjoy this simple but powerful message.

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll

ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.” – Author unknown

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender