Dear Bartender,
I’m an attractive woman who never seems to be approached by men that I would actually consider. After consulting with a male friend, I discovered that many attractive, successful (Black) men no longer really approach women because they don’t have to. Many of the women are chasing or at least approaching them so why would they subject themselves to potential rejection?
Knowing this, I am contemplating taking a more proactive stance on the dating scene by approaching the men that I find attractive, but I am toiling over this decision because such action would be contrary to my general orientation about dating and upbringing concerning male/female relationships and gender roles. So my question is, how to move forward with navigating this new dating terrain? Should I begin to approach men or stick to my traditional upbringing which says that’s a man’s job?
Dear Searching for Mr. Right,
We are definitely living in a time where traditional gender roles are being challenged. While I know many of my feminist friends would say, “Go ahead. Approach a man you are interested in”, I don’t think this is the right strategy for you. Why? Because you already have a belief system in place that conflicts with this approach.
Women should only approach men if they are comfortable with the precedence it sets. Approaching a man makes you the “hunter” and him the “hunted”. Some women are fine with this but they have to understand that taking on the hunter role means they can’t flip the roles later on down the line. So you can’t expect him to pay for you meals; he doesn’t have to open the door for you; he doesn’t have to pull out your chair, etc. After approaching a man, don’t expect to be treated like a princess because your initial encounter is telling him that the princess treatment isn’t necessary.
With that said, I recognize your dilemma and while I’m not sure approaching men would be the right fit for you, I think you should keep the following suggestions in mind if you do:
- After your initial introduction BE SURE TO LET HIM LEAD.
- If you are the only person asking questions keep the conversation short because (no matter how cute you are) he’s not interested.
- Don’t, under any circumstances, ask him for his number.
- Don’t exchange numbers. Give him your number and let him call you.
- Don’t offer your number without him asking. In this technology age of facebook, if he’s interested in you he will look you up.
While many men may say they appreciate and are open to be approached by women, most still like the thrill that comes with the hunt. So if you decide to navigate this terrain be sure to use the aforementioned tips. Keeping these in mind may help you get the man you want and encourage him to treat you like the princess you are.
Can you drink to that?
-The Bartender
I understand the concern here. I don’t think it automatically turns things into the “hunted” and the “hunter.” In my opinion a woman approaching me, does not mean that all of a sudden that she is the one that is supposed to pay for everything, or that she does not deserve to be treated like a princess. It is simply an introduction, and if I choose to take the next step by going out with her, then the honorable man would pay. To me, a woman approaching me says that she is confident and go-getter, which are characteristics that she probably carries in other areas of life. I value these characteristics.
If a guy is expecting her to pay, just because she asked him, then there is a bigger issue there and probably not worth pursuing further anyway.
And speaking from experience, my Fiancee approached me. (yes Fiancee)
Thanks for the insight, Rashidi. I think you have some valid points but, as you said, your perspective is from the standpoint of an “honorable” man. Most women can’t make that judgment upon meeting a man and while I agree that if a woman doesn’t find a man to be honorable she should throw him dueces, some women aren’t making the fact that a man isn’t “honorable” a dealbreaker. It’s messed up but true. With that said, I think women should just be aware that approaching a man can set a precedence and they have to be comfortable with that beginning the “hunt”.