Dear Bartender,

My husband has a female tenant that he has befriended unbeknownst to me. Recently, I found a text message that confirmed they speak more regularly than I was aware of. He says I can meet her but I’m not interested. How do I tell my husband that I do not want him talking with this tenant?

Dear Speculating Spouse,

I think the perspective you have on this is warped and you may be acting from a place of anger instead of thinking of the most strategic move as a wife. First off, this woman is YOUR TENANT (not just your husband’s). His business is YOUR business (legally and morally). So, you should meet her. While it may seem frustrating to interact with this woman because you aren’t comfortable with the relationship she has with your husband, meeting her is the most strategic move.

This move will give you valuable insight into who she is. I would go to her home with my husband and size her up in my way. You need to know if there are remnants of a man in the house (a.k.a. is she available or taken); if she has young children; etc. In addition to being proactive about finding out information on her, meeting her signals to your husband that you are willing to play an active role in your endeavors as a couple. Meaning, if something goes awry and he can’t handle any of your family business ventures, he can depend on you to handle them. Don’t just take this time to size her up, use this issue as an open door into “your husband’s” business. You need to know EVERYONE who lives in this rental property; what they pay; when their lease is up, etc. Become the co-C.E.O. of YOUR –ish.

You playing an active role in this business venture can only help strengthen your marriage or make you privy to if you should be concerned about the relationship your husband has with this woman. Why? Because if you knew the ins and outs of the business, you would know if the interactions your husband currently has with this woman is warranted. Remember, landlords get called all through the night but you need to know if it’s a booty call or a call to fix to the toilet.

While you have to understand that it makes sense for your husband to communicate with this woman, their communication doesn’t need to be outside your realm of comfort. So, how do you tell your husband you don’t want them to have a relationship outside of normal tenant/landlord interaction? First you become aware of what normal tenant/landlord interaction is by knowing YOUR business. Then you say, “Baby, I don’t want you to connect with her outside of normal tenant/landlord interactions.” It’s just that simple. If he questions why you explain that it’s just not something you think is appropriate or necessary. If he values your opinion, respects you as his wife, and truly has no relationship with this woman, he’ll stop. But, if he says, “I can’t stop talking to her. She’s my friend.” Have a “come to Jesus” talk with your husband and explain to him that neither of you can afford to have friendships at the expense of your marriage. You’re not comfortable with it so it can’t move forward. And that’s that!

Now, the fact that you aren’t comfortable with this relationship and you feel it has progressed behind your back makes me question the trust that lies between you and your husband. Please recognize that this issue is bigger than the relationship/friendship he has with this woman. This is about trust. Since that is one of the cornerstones of marriage, I suggest you two go to counseling. Don’t underestimate the possibility for small issues like this to blow up and become the beginning of the end of a marriage. It happens all the time.

Can you drink to that?

-The Bartender