Dear Bartender,
I’m on my third date with a guy that I REALLY like and I have asked all of the general questions - what do you do? where did you grow up? what do you like to do in your spare time? In the past, I’ve gotten my hopes up with guys I’ve dated to later find that it wasn’t a good match. I am interested in knowing more about the guy I’m with but I don’t want to seem intrusive. What are some questions I can ask to get the information I need to determine if we are a good match?
Sincerely,
Questions while Courting
Dear Questions while Courting,
Finding out if you are a good match with the person you are dating takes time. You can’t gauge chemistry by only asking questions but there are 3 general questions you can ask to see if this courtship is worth your time and energy. They are as follows:
1. Describe the relationship you have with your mother? Does she have a partner?
Yes. Two of the most important questions you need to ask are more about your man’s mother than him. Why? So you can make sure you’re not with a Momma’s boy. You might think this doesn’t matter but trust me, IT DOES.
You want to ask about their relationship because you want to make sure he values his mother, treats her with respect and follows through whenever she needs him. At the same time, you want to make sure they have boundaries and that he doesn’t allow her to delve deep into his personal life.
Why should you question her personal relationship? Because many women who don’t have partners emotionally position their sons as their companions. And many sons take on this role in an effort to protect their lonely mothers. A Momma’s boy with a mother who is alone is going to be a PAIN to deal with and you should know ahead of time what you’re getting yourself into.
2. Where do you see yourself in five years? 
If more women asked this question I believe there would be a higher marriage rate. Too many women judge men on where they’re at and not where they’re working to be. This question will help you to find out if your guy has goals (short-term and long-term).
Don’t assume if your beau is a lawyer that he wants to practice law for the rest of his life. You might meet a lawyer who is saving his money to open up a mechanics shop and submerge himself, full-time, into his hobby. Also, if you meet a janitor don’t assume that he wants to work for a janitorial company for the rest of his life. He may also be working on establishing his own business.
Where you are doesn’t determine where you are going to be. It’s just a stop in life’s journey.
3. Did you have a strong male figure in your life while growing up?
This is EXTREMELY important! For those women who are married you know that you can tell your husband something several times but when another man tells him the same thing it’s as if he has heard it for the first time. Why? Because men learn from other men! A woman by herself can’t raise a man. He HAS TO have some type of male figure. If your beau tells you it was just him and his mother (no father, uncle, grandfather, pastor etc) run QUICKLY in the other direction. Men value the behavior and the model set by other men they respect. If your beau hasn’t grown up with a positive male figure you are more likely to have work on hands in the chivalry department and sometimes also the “leading towards marriage department.” Again, you have to decide if this is the type of “work” you want to put into a new relationship.
In the end, when searching for a good match and building a relationship, time, patience and honesty are the best markers for success. The aforementioned questions are just to help you along the way.
Can you drink to that?
-The Bartender
Lets say the Bartender was right on these blanket statements, which he or she is not, and we apply this questionable theory across gender lines….since we all equal and everything, right?
Do you run just as fast when you hear that a woman has had no positive male figure in her life? I mean, if there is no positive male model how does she know the true marks of manhood AND how to respond to them?
Or how about a woman who was raised by a single mom who only taught her how to be strong, independent and unyielding? How does this effect her understanding of the importance of roles and actual compromise in a relationship? How does this effect her ability to reflect on the crap she brings into a relationship?
Or how about a woman who grew up in a home with two parents but the mother in the relationship ran things like a dictator?
How fast should we men run, bartender?
One more….how should react to women who grew up daughters of women who had no companion?
I think a male role model is just as important to a female child as he is to a male child but in different ways. A female child will most likely not completely model herself after her father but, for the reasons you so eloquently pointed out, a positive male figure will definitely play a significant role in her development. I didn’t address this in the post b/c the open bar letter wasn’t directed towards females. Nor, did I say the questions COULDN’T be applied to both genders.
Now, should a man run QUICKLY the other way if a woman doesn’t have a positive father figure? YES. Especially if he doesn’t want to deal with some of the issues that MAY arise while being with a female who doesn’t have a positive male figure in her life.
In terms of dealing with a woman who came from a two parent household and their mother ran things like a dictator: 90% of the time, if that female child grew up to think that was the right way to handle things, she wouldn’t consider a man who doesn’t believe that to be a GOOD match for her.
This post was all about finding a good match. If you are a man who can deal with the peaks and valleys that MAY come with this particular female, then deal with it. If not, then don’t. In the end, both parties who come into a courting scenario should have their running shoes on.