A close friend of mine sent me the following email:
“Our friendship has caused issues in my relationship. We have been good friends for a long time but my relationship means more to me. So with that said I’m breaking up with you! LOL. Seriously though for the sake of my marriage we can’t be friends. I hope you understand.”
The issue is we had sex a long time ago and she told her husband. But it was only one time and we both were drunk as hell. This is back in my wild post college days. Anyway, I haven’t responded to her email and don’t know how to respond. I really care about her as a friend and hate to lose her over something that happened so long ago.
- Frustrated Over Friendship
Dear Frustrated Over Friendship,
While co-ed friendships can be fulfilling and necessary for most, many people make the mistake of mixing this type of friendship with intimacy and it is like putting on stilettos to run a marathon- it just doesn’t make any sense! With that said, you might want to make it a point not to sleep with your female friends.
Now, moving on to your particular situation, you have to understand how her husband would feel uncomfortable with your relationship. While the intimate encounter you had with her was a long time ago, no man really wants another man around his wife who can say “I know what your wife looks like naked.” Even if there is nothing between the two of you, your friendship must be awkward for him to say the least.
In terms of responding to her, while it may be difficult, you shouldn’t oppose her decision because she feels she is doing what is best for her family. Don’t get in between that. While you don’t agree, this is the hardship of true friendship. You should take the high road and do what is best for her. If you respond just tell her that while you disagree with ending the friendship, you understand her husband’s position and respect the decision they have made as a couple. Tell her that you would never disrespect her marriage but if your presence is doing so, you are more than willing to gracefully bow out of her life. Tell her that you will always cherish the friendship you had but you are happy knowing that she is developing a strong foundation with her husband and wish them both the best.
And with that, while I do think you CAN remain friends with someone you’ve slept with, in order to do that all parties (including the spouse in your friend’s life) need to be on board. If they’re not, wave “hasta la vista” and take a mental note to never sleep with the women you truly cherish as friends.
Can you drink to that?