30+ and Not Married…What's Wrong?

Dear Bartender,

I’m an educated professional black man who is looking for “the one”. I recently reconnected with a girl I knew from college and she has all the right stats. She’s beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright, and she challenges me intellectually. She is everything I am looking for in a lifetime mate. The issue is I have two friends who know her and they both told me that she has had her share of boyfriends. While I’m not a dating rookie, this is a concern to me because I’m wondering why, at 31, she is still on the market. I can’t help but think there has got to be something wrong with her because there is no way a 31 year old woman with her stats should still be on the market. In some of the conversations I’ve had with her she has come across too strong and independent (typical, “I can do everything by myself” $h!t). Anyway, I hesitate with moving forward because I don’t want to waste my time. What are your thoughts?

Dear Resisting a Relationship,

My opinion – this seems to be more about you than the woman that has captured your interest. First off, your perspective is a snapshot of society’s judgmental and unyielding feelings towards women who are over 30 and not married. “Something has to be wrong with them!” The reality is our society has an issue with extending the same emotional agency to women that they do to men. It is difficult for a man to think that a woman could date all throughout her 20’s just for fun and not think of settling down until she hit 30.

Women are not all the same. Despite popular belief, all of them don’t date to get married at 23 once they have met the first man who can hear them say the word marriage without quivering and bolting off in the opposite direction. Some date to get their minds off of the pressures of school or work. Some date merely to be social and some just want to have sex! Society doesn’t want us to think of women in that way because it taints the purity that we unconsciously believe all women should have but the reality is women are faced with some of the same social decisions that face men…and many make the same decisions that are heavily associated with men.

Now, with that being said, it’s obvious that I don’t think something is wrong with the “beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright” woman that has captured your interest. Let’s be real, God is creating good men but he’s not dropping them from the sky to land on the doorstep of every quality woman with good stats. IT’S HARD TO FIND A GOOD MAN!!!  So, instead of searching for fault in her, you might want to adjust your perspective and step out of the 1950’s. In terms of her being too strong and independent, the question is “Do you really want a weak and dependent woman?” If so, maybe you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship because when times get hard and you’re at a weak moment in your life those women run to the next man they can depend on.

Can you drink to that?

This entry was posted in Open Bar Letters. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to 30+ and Not Married…What's Wrong?

  1. GOOD JOB!!!!!!!
    It’s really hard out here for single women. I sometime ENVY women of other nationalities they don’t seem to have to go through the changes black women endure. lol

  2. fara says:

    Very good response…I have had these conversations with many of male freinds since when does being a bit independent and strong minded as a woman looked at as a negative. That does not necessarily mean that one is not open to having a man in their lives or need and desire a life partner or wont let you be the “MAN” in the relationship. If feeble female is what one is looking for they are out there.

  3. This is great advice. His perspective reflects what cultural perceptions exist when dating in the AA society. It’s a man’s world. HE is the one that is vetting HER worthiness, despite her complete package stats. HE is the one with the power to move that relationship forward. HE is the one that is fact checking and judging her flaws. Who can really survive such scrutiny over the longterm? That has got to eat at a woman’s self-perception the older she gets – and to be criticized for her marital status and age? Really? I commend the young woman for maintaining her strengths. If he doesn’t want her, then I am sure that another mature male will appreciate her. No one is perfect, not even the writer. Chile boo.

  4. SoulSurvivor says:

    I totally agree with the bartender. I happen to be one of those 30+ single women, never been married. While in my early 20′s I wasn’t really all that interested in dating. I wanted to stay focus on my studies and began preparing for steady employment. I personally did not feel like I had much to offer anyone without an education and finances flowing. Later on as I did began to date I ran into numerous males who either did not have a goal in life or claimed to have had one but wasn’t doing anything to work towards it. Now that I am in my early 30′s, as I meet guys they seem to come to the table with a lot of “baggage” that I don’t care to put up with, such as a couple of baby mommas, a criminal record or long periods of unemploymenet. Some seem to have communication problems while others hold us accountable what some other chick did to them. I have recently met someone. During our first month of dating it seemed as if he was “the one” I could seriously consider settling down with, afterall, he met the majority of my standards. However, as we are moving into our second month together ( without any benefits, more so on his part), I’m not so sure if I really want to settle with him or if I’m trying to force something to happen between us because both of us are at a place in life where we desire to be married to someone within the next few years.

    In a nutshell, many of “us” 30+ single women are waiting for “Mr. Right” and choose not to settle for less than what we want. I do believe that there are really good men somewhere out there. I just haven’t come across the right one for me yet. I do believe that if I could this guy who meets most of my standards, surely there has to be more out there. Until then, I don’t mind waiting. So I guess for right now I’m really just dating for fun because I don’t want to make the mistake or committing my life to someone only to regret it later.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>