I’m an educated professional black man who is looking for “the one”. I recently reconnected with a girl I knew from college and she has all the right stats. She’s beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright, and she challenges me intellectually. She is everything I am looking for in a lifetime mate. The issue is I have two friends who know her and they both told me that she has had her share of boyfriends. While I’m not a dating rookie, this is a concern to me because I’m wondering why, at 31, she is still on the market. I can’t help but think there has got to be something wrong with her because there is no way a 31 year old woman with her stats should still be on the market. In some of the conversations I’ve had with her she has come across too strong and independent (typical, “I can do everything by myself” $h!t). Anyway, I hesitate with moving forward because I don’t want to waste my time. What are your thoughts?
Dear Resisting a Relationship,
My opinion – this seems to be more about you than the woman that has captured your interest. First off, your perspective is a snapshot of society’s judgmental and unyielding feelings towards women who are over 30 and not married. “Something has to be wrong with them!” The reality is our society has an issue with extending the same emotional agency to women that they do to men. It is difficult for a man to think that a woman could date all throughout her 20’s just for fun and not think of settling down until she hit 30.
Women are not all the same. Despite popular belief, all of them don’t date to get married at 23 once they have met the first man who can hear them say the word marriage without quivering and bolting off in the opposite direction. Some date to get their minds off of the pressures of school or work. Some date merely to be social and some just want to have sex! Society doesn’t want us to think of women in that way because it taints the purity that we unconsciously believe all women should have but the reality is women are faced with some of the same social decisions that face men…and many make the same decisions that are heavily associated with men.
Now, with that being said, it’s obvious that I don’t think something is wrong with the “beautiful, educated, physically fit, morally upright” woman that has captured your interest. Let’s be real, God is creating good men but he’s not dropping them from the sky to land on the doorstep of every quality woman with good stats. IT’S HARD TO FIND A GOOD MAN!!! So, instead of searching for fault in her, you might want to adjust your perspective and step out of the 1950’s. In terms of her being too strong and independent, the question is “Do you really want a weak and dependent woman?” If so, maybe you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship because when times get hard and you’re at a weak moment in your life those women run to the next man they can depend on.
Can you drink to that?